So, I’m in a bit of a weird spot emotionally and I was just musing about the nature of life and decision making and, despite my inebriated state, I think I articulated it pretty well. This particular train of thought was initiated by a message written by myself where I was, if I’m being honest, a twat and deliberately fishing for further questioning so that I could open up, a ridiculous trait of mine which I need to fucking stop. Once sent, I started to overthink and worry about the potential consequences. I was worried they’d be, understandably, fed up with me being like this. So, I started to thinking more deeply about a particular scenario: someone suddenly disappearing from my life. There are plenty of reasons one could attribute to such a situation but I think they’re unhelpful to consider. My point in all of this is that, regardless of what path this takes, I won’t hold it against them because I know what it’s like. I’ve been there before; I’ve been there so many times and no matter from which angle I look at it I can understand.
I’m reminded about my relationships that I knew weren’t healthy. I’ve had an out and thought about getting out, but when it came down to that moment of needing to act, I wasn’t able to. So, I carried on despite the unhealthy nature of the relationship and it made me do things that were unhealthy for me. Things like cutting people out of my life for the sake of the security of my partner – a highly toxic and damaging partner. I’ve had a lot of issues before with partners who were insecure and controlling and, instead of telling them to fuck off, I adhered to their mandate because I wasn’t strong enough or, as I thought at the time, didn’t want to put them through hell. I’ve cut people out of my life entirely, even people very close to me. Obviously, the relationship ended in tears (primarily mine I’m not ashamed to admit – sometimes genuinely caring sucks) because toxic relationships and/or relationships started and maintained for the wrong reasons always do, and I damaged a lot of friendships in the process, but that’s partially because that friend didn’t understand.
I don’t want to be that person because I’ve been there before, and I like to think I’m open minded and informed enough from my experiences to not hold it against people. Shit happens and we deal with it the best we can even if, deep down, we know it’s wrong, if we know it’s unhealthy. It feels like the right thing to do and that’s all we can go on. Whatever is going to happen will happen. All we have are the thoughts in our heads and the feelings in our hearts. They don’t always match up, and they don’t always lead us to make the best decision, but they make us do what seems like the best decision.
If it’s ever the case that someone has left my life for one reason or another and they then come back into my life and need to lean on me I need to be there for them. How can I judge these people when I’m very much as guilty? When something like this happens, it fucking hurts. It makes me very confused and angry and upset, but I can’t hold onto that and let it eat away at me. I just don’t want to be the person that instantly condemns someone else for their decisions when I, myself, have made bad and/or questionable decisions. I can’t be a cunt about it, I’ll just say “I didn’t really enjoy what happened, but I’m happy that you’re back. It’d be nice to understand why, what was going on for you at the time”.
It’s the same for me, right now I’m doing what I think is right for me, but it may not be. Who knows? I won’t know – I may never know – but I definitely won’t know until further on down the line. There are too many nuances – to make the right decision in every single situation we find ourselves in, or to make the right decision most of those times, is probably approaching impossible. Obviously, if someone commits a particularly heinous crime then that’s unacceptable and we should judge them, but if it’s just trying to get through their life in the best possible way that they can (provided it doesn’t like, kill people) then we can’t hold it against them.
Life is just so fucking complicated, there are so many interactions and relationships to try and keep track of. It’s impossible to know how we should operate and conduct every single one of them. It’s all such a clusterfuck. We need to be more considerate of other people while still respecting ourselves sufficiently; it’s great to be understanding and non-judgmental but it shouldn’t be allowed to grind everything to a halt. It’s a very difficult balance because of the eternal blessing and damnation of humans: feelings. Consciousness – something so intangible and unscientific in nature, how can you rationalise, quantify or explain any of it?
So, for now, that’s just the way it is. Whatever happens, carry on down the current path, see where it leads. Try and be the best version of yourself and, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t hold it against people and don’t take it personally because it’s not always like that. Sometimes it is, but other times everything is just that fucking complicated. You don’t know, you can’t know.
People are people. They will do what they think is the right thing to do for their own reasons. Whether or not they’re right is kind of irrelevant because what is objectively right at the end of the day?